


i remember loving you

by sunlightdances (glowinghorizons)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 10:55:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16831237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glowinghorizons/pseuds/sunlightdances
Summary: when you think you’re in trouble, you go to sam and dean for help, despite the fact that you and dean haven’t spoken or seen each other face to face in months.





	i remember loving you

Your hands tremble slightly as you knock on the bunker doors, trying to summon your strength to knock loud enough so they’ll actually hear you.

You’re half convinced that if Dean opens it, he might just slam it right back in your face, but you have to try. You don’t know where else to go. Instead, it’s Sam who answers the door, his eyes only half-open.

“Katie?” He asks groggily. “What are you doing here?”

“Can I crash here?” You ask, pushing your way inside. You feel panicky, too fidgety to worry about your manners.

“Of course, but– hey,” He grabs your elbow gently. “Slow down. What happened? Are you okay?”

You open your mouth to answer him, but you stop when you see Dean come down the hallway, brows furrowed as he comes into view. He stops short when he sees you, and you feel all your breath back up in your throat.

It’s been months since you’ve seen either of them. You’ve texted Sam here and there, just checking in, but there’s been nothing from Dean.

“What’s going on?” Dean’s voice is cautious.

You can feel his gaze burning into you as you start to tell him and Sam about why you’re here in the middle of the night, close to panicking. “I– I was home and went out to the store. I– when I got back…”

“Hey, you’re okay.” Sam’s voice is gentle. “It’s fine. You’re safe here.”

You smile gratefully at him. “When I got back, it just… it didn’t feel right. I swear– I swear I left the kitchen light on when I left. It wasn’t on when I got back. It was _so dark_ in there.”

“You did the right thing, coming here.” Dean says, his voice a quiet murmur rather than the gruff tone you’re used to. “We’ll check it out.”

“I’m going to…” Sam looks back and forth between the two of you, “I’m going to go get the car ready.”

He heads to the garage, and you and Dean are left standing there, trying your hardest not to look at each other.

“I’m–”

“Are you sure–”

You both start talking at the same time, and you blush furiously, trying to figure out how Dean went from being someone you could tell anything to, to someone you felt so uncomfortable around.

“You first,” he says, a small smile on his lips. You can’t tell if he’s just being polite.

“I was just going to say… I’m glad you guys were home. And I’m sorry for putting you out.”

Dean rubs his jaw, a gesture so familiar to you it makes you ache. “Don’t apologize.” He shuffles on his feet. “We’ll be back in a little bit. You’ll be safe here.”

“I know.”

His jaw works like he wants to say something else, but he doesn’t - instead he turns on his heels to follow Sam, and you’re left standing there just like you were that night all those months ago.

.

.

.

_Dean storms through the bunker, his footsteps loud and commanding. Frowning, you put down the book you were reading and stand up when he comes into the room, pushing his hands through his hair._

_“Dean…” You begin, stopping when you see him close his eyes and take a deep breath. “Dean? What happened?”_

_He looks at you for a long moment, like he’s searching for something, and his jaw works as he puts his hands on his hips. “You have to go.”_

_Your blood runs cold. “What are you talking about?”_

_“I can’t–” He’s struggling, you can tell, which just makes you angry. If he’s having such a hard time telling you whatever it is, why is he even trying to do this? “The Men of Letters… they’re not going to stop. They got Eileen and she was halfway across the goddamn globe.”_

_“This is the worst idea you’ve ever had.” You say bluntly, crossing your arms over your chest._

_“You don’t know all the shit I’ve had to–” He stops, taking a deep breath. “I can’t lose someone else I care about because of someone trying to kill me.”_

_“They don’t even know about me!” You protest - Dean kept you at arm’s length for so long, you even only recently started staying overnight at the bunker._

_You weren’t part of their world, not really. You were a nurse at the local hospital, and treated Sam once when his wound was too much for Dean to handle himself. You got the feeling things were different about them that night, and couldn’t help but be amused when Dean kept finding excuses to come back._

_Since then, you’ve been seeing each other for almost a year. It’s the longest you’ve ever been with someone that felt this easy. That’s why you can’t comprehend what’s happening right now._

_“They don’t know about you_ yet _, Katie! It’s only a matter of time!” Dean exclaims, and even as he’s trying to act like this is just part of the job, you can see the tears welling in his eyes. It breaks your heart._

_“Don’t do this. I’m not afraid, Dean. You’ve trusted me with everything up until now–”_

_“This has nothing to do with trust.” His voice is hoarse, “I– I can’t let you be a part of this. Maybe– maybe we just weren’t meant to do this.”_

_“Selfish.”_

_The line of his shoulders go rigid. For a minute, he doesn’t say anything, he just stares at you, eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?”_

_“You heard me,” you spit, “This is_ so _selfish, Dean. I– I understand what you’re doing. Trying to protect yourself. But what about me?”_

_“Katie…”_

_“I’m happy when I’m with you. I feel safe when I’m with you. Why do I have to give that up? Because it’s what you think is best for me?”_

_“You’d rather have the alternative?” He growls, taking a step towards you, “People who start to love me end up dead.”_

_You laugh bitterly, looking up at the ceiling to keep the tears from falling. “Too late, Dean.” You whisper._

_“Don’t do that.” He says, gaze falling to his shoes. When he looks back up, his eyes are red-rimmed. “Don’t lie to me. Not about this.”_

_“I’m not lying to you!” On an impulse, you reach for him, hand freezing in mid-air when he subtly takes a half step backwards, leaving him just out of your reach. “Okay.” You back up. “Okay. You’ve made your mind up. Nothing I say here is going to matter, is it?”_

_“Please– please just understand why I have to do this.”_

_“I don’t understand, Dean. I know you feel like you have to, but I don’t understand. I– don’t I make you happy?” You hate yourself for asking, because you know whatever he says is going to hurt._

_“Sweetheart… this was inevitable.” He says quietly, and there it is. The last piece of your heart cracks._

_You’re gone the next morning._

.

.

.

When Sam and Dean come back, you’re in the library, fingers running over the spines of large tomes on the shelves. You don’t hear it when Dean finds you there, and you don’t notice as he stands there, leaning against the doorframe, watching you as regret builds in his chest.

You look so at home here, and he– he can’t let himself think like this. He already thinks about the way the two of you left things every single day. He can’t get any more attached.

He clears his throat quietly to get your attention.

“Hey.”

Your smile is only half there. “Hey.”

He takes a few steps into the room. “We checked it out. The back door was unlocked.” He frowns. “Someone might have gotten in while you were gone.” He scratches the back of his neck.

“Sorry I made you two go out there for nothing. If there was no one–”

“No,” Dean’s voice is firm. “You did the right thing. I– I told you once if you ever felt like something wasn’t right, you come find me. That hasn’t changed.”

You can feel tears clogging your throat because you’ve _missed_ him. “Can I stay here tonight?” You ask, looking anywhere but at him as a tear finally falls - a combination of seeing the Winchesters again plus the adrenaline of thinking someone was in your home finally crashing down on you. “I just– I don’t want to go home.”

He has this soft look in his eyes. “‘Course you can.” His hand find yours, tugging gently. “C’mon.”

You come across Sam in the hallway and he smiles at you, squeezes your shoulder as he passes you. Dean doesn’t let go of your hand.

You’re surprised when Dean stops in front of a familiar door, his hand reflexively tightening around yours for a half second. “Is this– is this okay?”

“Yeah,” You answer, hoping it doesn’t come out too quickly. “It’s fine.”

You follow him inside and he busies himself turning down the bed. “I’ve been worried about you, you know.” He murmurs, sitting down on the corner of the bed once he has the covers pulled back. “I haven’t heard from you – and I don’t blame you for that – but I couldn’t help but wonder if you were okay.”

Your heart constricts. “Dean–”

“This is exactly what I was afraid of. That someone – some _thing_ – might come after you.”

“You said it might have been just a prowler.”

“But it might not have been. And if you wouldn’t have come here…” He trails off, shaking his head. “Anyway. I just– I’m sorry. For all of it. I never wanted it to end like that.”

You take a few steps towards him. “It never had to end, Dean.” You whisper. “I wanted– _still_ want – you. That’s it.” You shrug. “I didn’t need promises or declarations, or any of that. I just wanted you.”

When he finally lifts his head to meet your eyes, he looks wrecked. “The thought of losing you… Katie, it’s more than I can take.”

You take a breath, hoping for some courage before you take the last remaining steps between the two of you and straddle his lap gently, relieved when his hands immediately go to your hips, steadying you. “I know the risk. Loving you and being loved by you is worth it.”

The look on his face is one you’ve never seen before. Confusion, doubt, fear, and awe all in equal parts.

Dean Winchester is used to losing people. He’s never let himself believed that he could have this. You can see it all over his face. When he leans in to kiss you, it’s a desperate kiss that you feel all the way down to your toes.

When he pulls away, he chews on his bottom lip pensively. “You’re safe here, with me. You know that right?” His eyes are dark, determined. “As long as I can help it, nothing’s going to happen to you. I was wrong before. Pushing you away… I’m sorry.”

“I know,” You tell him, smiling. “It hurt, Dean. But– you don’t have to convince me to love you. I never stopped.”


End file.
